Today I want to talk about the need for us parents (and our kids too) to keep quiet in front of the too often occurring behaviors of our dear children who have ADHD. It happens to me sometimes I have a this “mechanism” that makes me react too quickly (and of course, not in the best way). So let me propose a challenge: would we be able to move from the world of responses in which we live in, ie: (this is not the way to do it…this is going to hurt you but…this is not possible… I already know this …), it´s quite depressing indeed, to the world of the questions that help us explore further?
In coaching we call these questions powerful questions because they often have the following characteristics: they are action-oriented; they direct the mind to the future; they wonder what for, and how, but not why; are goal-oriented and mainly contain powerful assumptions; specifically that OUR CHILDREN ARE VALUABLE AND CAN GET WHATEVER THY WISH TO.
In case it is not clear, the intention with which we should ask, must be positive, with love and respect.
I´ll give you a few examples so you can practice from now on, but feel free to formulate those you consider more appropriate in terms of situations, people, relationships … everything that moves in his world, for it to expand, and facilitates flourishing possibilities:
1. – What do you think of what you just saw? What would you have done?
2.- What do you need to have your room tidy for? (Hm! This question, remember, loving tone … the challenge here is to find the right time, right?)
3.- What other ways would you propose to get along better with your brothers?
4.- How will you feel when you’ll see that you succeeded? (Passing an exam, finish reading a book, finishing the dishes …)
5.- What other plans would you suggest to do on Sunday?
6.- What is the hardest part of all this for you?
7.- What worries you the most?
8.- What confuses you the most?
9. –What have you gotten clearer from all of this?
As you can see, these questions are open (closed ones are only those to which one can answer with a YES or a NO), they bring the opportunity to engage in an open dialogue with our children. If we succeed, we will be able to understand what moves them, their way of thinking, and this, over time will help us remain calm. Not that we agree, not that we feel the uncontrollable desire to throw things and shout to settle any matter. In fact, we are building people and this requires calm and confidence.
Let us offer them receptive silence so they can tell us the complete story. Help them empty all they have inside. What for? To practice verbalizing what happens to them. This will help them in their maturation, in creating their points of reference, and to have a better knowledge about themselves.
It is essential that when listening, we resist the terrible need to propose the ‘correct answer’. Bridle our impulses, we are with them FOR them.
How do you want to start? What sort of subject do you feel the need to be addressed? How will you feel when your child begins to share with you for real?
I wish you all a happy day!!