We are already in April… I¨m hoping that spring will bring us new energy to continue our journey as parents of our very special children.
(I have just returned from a few days rest in the mountains; it gave me the opportunity to have some quiet time.. and I always come back very optimistic).
I would like to share with you something which I have been thinking about for a while: Unity: the family, with friends, with colleagues .. Yes, quite simply, Unity.
I perceive that it is the source which empowers us; not only because we, as human beings, need to feel like we belong to some group or tribe (as Ken Robinson describes it in his book ‘The Element’) but that it makes us feel supported, understood and that we are part of something. It also serves as the spring board from which we can “jump” into new experiences.
First of all I think that feeling part of the Unity requires that you value the people closest to us; although we will never fully comprehend why they think as they think, or know what they know. If we make a musical analogy, it´s like two instruments as diverse as one string and one keyboard showing compliance, respecting each other’s paces, silences, and leads. All of this requires long practice sessions …
When I feel integrated into the unit, I strive to achieve harmony. The first result will be living in peace. Through the power of the unit we can resolve conflicts, and / or discover new ideas or solutions that meets the needs of all.
Are we talking about peace, harmony, silence? This is completely incompatible with the ADHD world. This is what most of you will think and ocasionally so do I.
But I propose that we see it from another angle. If there is no Unity in a family, the first reason is often times because we parents feel too different from our children and this scares us. How easy is it then to hurt each other (especially if our child is defiant); how very easy is it to make them feel (even if this is not our deepest will) that we don’t care about them. I have heard this complaint many times.
The truth is that differences should not hurt. When a family or a group is truly united, its members are not mirror images of other; on the contrary, they are all different and yet they understand and support each other.
How do we,( as parents of children with a disorder which is hard to see, to understand, to accompany) ensure that we are connected and united with our children? Is it really necessary? I assure you that it is; and a lot. We, as ‘family leaders’, must create spaces where our children are fully developed and help them to understand that they are an integral part of the unit, and that the Unity is the most important platform of their lives and ours as well. Yeah, well, but I’m not a leader! (I just give orders at home, that’s all). No! I disagree.
I am convinced that the unity; the union in the family begins by having a complete and total image of it. And it’s up to us to visualize it and make it happen. So let’s start first by understanding that we are all leaders. I would like you to see this video; ( it takes less than 7 minutes).
And now let’s think:
– How can I produce the most effective impact in my loved ones?
– How can I cover my emotional needs when I speak to them? Is this valid? I identify myself many times in the need to feel valued, and sometimes this not a good guide …
– How do I make them understand that the battle I´m fighting is for them?
– Do I know what for?
– Do I know how to express it?
– Do I acknowledge them as being different?
– What is the background music I want in my relationship? What silences do I have to respect? What new rhythms do I have to learn?
Oops! That’s too complicated! Yes, but what a great feeling when, after a while, our spouse, our children, sit with us and tell us, ‘You know, that day when you said … / or did … I realized that … and wanted to tell you. It was very important to me ‘.
That’s when we see that our efforts and our goals were worth all the pain in the world.
Let’s go for it!